turning left, 'cause nothing went right

honey

Thu, 13 Oct 2011 22:06:00 +0200

honey, i can’t keep regretting your choice.

i’m indifferent to whatever happens. at least that’s what I’m trying to tell myself. to be honest i know… this is it. we weren’t forever. only at heart. not in reality.

i’ll love you forever.

but i won’t miss you anymore.
there’s nothing to it.

we had our time. it changed me forever.

now. i want to move on. my heart aches. i don’t want you. i don’t want anyone. i want silence and peace in my heart. not this raging pain.

i can’t talk to you anymore. not in reality, not in my head. you’re not a part of me anymore.

i’m just not sure how i’ll survive this loneliness.

it hurts.

i can only hope the pain will pass.

my blog isn’t really .. active, right now. and that’s fine by me. I’m moving...

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 00:40:36 +0200

my blog isn’t really .. active, right now. and that’s fine by me. I’m moving forward, I’m changing. Not sure it’s all good stuff though.. I have two personalities that you can divide into several different ones but anyway, these two.. there’s the ignorant and there’s the caring. Right now I’m in my ignorant-phase.

theydesign: ‘On the Shelf’ (1970) by Michael Craig-Martin

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 22:27:10 +0200

theydesign:

‘On the Shelf’ (1970) by Michael Craig-Martin

Photo

Fri, 30 Sep 2011 02:05:05 +0200

iPhones are great. Until you drop them on a hard surface, screen...

Fri, 30 Sep 2011 00:55:57 +0200

iPhones are great. Until you drop them on a hard surface, screen down.

this is the second time. h-a-t-e i-t.
but you know, spoiled as I am, my biggest “sorrow” is that I’ll now have another iPhone until this one is repaired and I won’t have my awesome “sweet skateboards”-sticker on the backside. I love that sticker..

I love my shoes. I’m not kidding. if I could duplicate those shoes into several pairs in...

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 15:47:58 +0200

I love my shoes. I’m not kidding. if I could duplicate those shoes into several pairs in different colors, I would be like the happiest girl. I love Circa.

unfortunately I’m a girl = small feet. not so easy to find a pair of sweet-ass Circa skate-shoes in small sizes.

it feels like I’m dead on the inside. I’m alone. I miss human interaction. I miss...

Sat, 24 Sep 2011 01:02:07 +0200

it feels like I’m dead on the inside. I’m alone. I miss human interaction. I miss kissing someone I want to kiss. But there’s no one.. I’m alone. alone alone alone. And I’m beginning to wish I wasn’t.

dailogue with myself

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 23:06:58 +0200

“don’t let them get to you. you are more than the choices that you’ve made, you are more than the sum of your past mistakes, you are more than the problems you create. And you frickin know it! So get up on your feet and bounce back. You don’t need to feel sorry for yourself. What’s the point? You know it’s pointless. But it’s easier to hide behind self-pity than to grow some ladyballs and stand up for yourself and your actions. They don’t define who you are anyway.”

I haven’t written in a while but now I feel I really miss it. I’m trying to work on my...

Tue, 20 Sep 2011 23:45:31 +0200

I haven’t written in a while but now I feel I really miss it.

I’m trying to work on my boundaries, to recognize where different energies start and stop and to keep them separated. Therefore I won’t be writing as much as I have, I guess. But I can not keep it all in my mind. Some words I have to speak or write in order to let go of them.

jonwithabullet: Skateboard Benches american...

Wed, 14 Sep 2011 19:15:45 +0200

jonwithabullet:

Skateboard Benches

american company deckstool has developed new furniture seating made from 100% reclaimed broken skateboards. the 48” recycled skateboard deck benches feature a popsicle-shaped seat that use skateboard trucks for their construction. besides being influenced by skate art and culture, deckstool’s designs are based upon how easily skateboards break during use.
the company works with independent skate shops and parks in the USA and canada to collect busted boards, giving these small skate-businesses cash back to supplement their income or to raise money for skate park projects.

check out more here

A Beluga whale has become a sensation at an aquarium after...

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 21:13:05 +0200

A Beluga whale has become a sensation at an aquarium after learning how to blow halo-shaped bubbles. The extraordinary sight was captured on camera by photographer Hiroya Minakuchi at the Shimane aquarium in Japan. He said: “This beluga started making bubble rings when she was seven. And a couple of years ago she developed her technique. Now she blows the water from her mouth to make a current, which is not visible for us underwater. She then blows air from her blow hole into the current and that makes a ring shape.”

tattoo-talk

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0200

Tomorrow I’m getting my tattoo done. You know.. since I went into the tattoo-shop (do you call it that? tattoo studio?) I’ve changed both the location of the tattoo AND the motive. How crazy? The tattoo still carry (kind of) the same meaning and no body else would really notice the change of motive since it’s still roman numbers but anyway..

I wish I would be more psyched about it but I guess… waiting and being sick is kind of a downer to your mood. My mood, at least. I’m not sick anymore btw and that’s great. I’m thinking if I got sick and if my tattoo session was moved around just because I had to really think about this tattoo first and change a few things before I did it?

I’m not saying I would ever regret my first idea if it would’ve been inked to my skin but I’m thinking this idea is a little better. The first one is more.. of a stage in life. This new one is more.. timeless. Yes.

Anonymous: I'm a girl who has really long hair, but I'm sick of it long and want to cut it to my shoulders/midneck area. But I'm scared too because I always hear how guys like long hair. Even a past boyfriend has told me that and that "girls have long hair" when I told him I wanted to cut it.. So now I'm single and I really want to cut it. I'm just nervous too. Should I keep it long or cut it?

Sun, 11 Sep 2011 23:51:06 +0200

Anonymous: I'm a girl who has really long hair, but I'm sick of it long and want to cut it to my shoulders/midneck area. But I'm scared too because I always hear how guys like long hair. Even a past boyfriend has told me that and that "girls have long hair" when I told him I wanted to cut it.. So now I'm single and I really want to cut it. I'm just nervous too. Should I keep it long or cut it?
Maleminded: Not being yourself or doing what you want will just suck in the long run because once you've wasted your time impressing people and getting 'the guy' by being someone different and fitting that persons idea of 'perfect', you can never be yourself again without letting them down. Sorry for the run on sentence. But cut your damn hair.

"Peace is a stillness so great that you can hear God whisper his love throughout your entire being"

Sun, 11 Sep 2011 01:23:00 +0200

“Peace
is a stillness so great
that you can hear God whisper his love
throughout your entire being”

- unknown

Stop building up walls, obstacles for yourself.

Sat, 10 Sep 2011 23:16:48 +0200

I just realized I had those kind of thoughts where you think “if only this.. I’ll be able to..” like… “if only I get this job I’ll be happy” or “if only he/she answer my text I’ll be able to sleep”. That’s FUCKING STUPID. I’m not angry, I’m really not. To be honest, I’m laughing :) And yes, I might be a bit mad in my head or crazy but doesn’t that kind of go hand in hand with genius huh??? :)

Anyway so I thought.. doing this, the ONLY thing you’re really doing is telling yourself “I can not stand on my own two legs, I am useless on my own, I have to have someone/something else (external) to be responsible for my happiness/sleep/whatever” and how crazy is that?! Who would ever want to hand over their own mental wellbeing to some external object which you yourself have NO control over. NONE. That’s reeeaally stupid. And I was about to do it. Unconsciously.

I’m just saying.. watch your own mind. It can play dirty tricks on you. And most often I find that those dirty tricks are rooted in selfishness.

You wanna know what I was thinking then?

I thought.. “If only he wanted to be my friend, if only I had someone who cared about me and wanted to be my friend, if only I had something external to live for (as in, person) I’d be able to take hold of my life and do all those things I know I should do but can’t find the will to do. I need someone else’s will in order to make it mine”.

fucking stupid. I can take care of myself and I don’t need anyone else. Sure, I might think of him when I do things ‘cause he inspires me, he’s the one who planted the seed of .. commitment to life (?) in me from the beginning. But still, I don’t need his permission, his care, his will, his WHATEVER.

I only need me.

Yesterday, I believe it was, I wrote something. I wrote down my thoughts and a few things I wanted...

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 20:20:43 +0200

Yesterday, I believe it was, I wrote something. I wrote down my thoughts and a few things I wanted to say to you. And while I wrote, I realized.. I really never believed you. I never believed you wanted to break up with me. And I realized that all this time.. I’ve been living in deny. Up until yesterday I’ve been unconsciously hoping and believing that you didn’t want to break up with me, that you’d want me back one day.

You don’t. You won’t. It’s been seven months. I can’t keep waiting.

You didn’t choose me. You chose to let go of me. How noble that yet may be, you knew it would break me. You chose it.

I have to realize.. You don’t want me.

I have to realize it and move on. I have to let go of you. I have to stop wishing, hoping, believing things are different. They’re not. This is it. And I could choose to keep living in my fantasies, or I could choose to move on. To let go of you.

It scares me. I’m really really scared of living in a world which you’re not a part of. Well… you’ll always be a part of me. But as in.. an active part. Where I talk to you, see you, touch you. I don’t .. want to live without you, and I don’t want to live with you either. Not the way things are.

You have been my everything. You are the reason why I’m still alive.

But it’s time for me to move on. Or I will die of a broken heart. Seriously.

How to get well soon

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 12:18:06 +0200

Alright so I just caught a cold and it blooooows ‘cause I was supposed to get my tattoo done today but now it’s moved ‘til this friday and if I’m not better by then it’ll be done next monday.

Oh well, I’ll do my best to get well soon and I thought I’d share some tips with you :)

1. Don’t feel sorry for yourself
Sure, you’re sick and it’s no fun but it won’t get any better if you spend your sick-time thinking “oh poor me”. It’s even worse if you’re so selfish that you take it out on others “please do this for me, please do that”. Grow some balls and take care of yourself.

2. Don’t take it out on others
Acknowledge that the world isn’t about you and not everyone wants to get infected. No one, really. Don’t be a selfish, stuck-up whiny-ass. You know… don’t go coughing people in the face, let your snot paper lie around everywhere.. Don’t contaminate your environment with your bacterias and think it’s justified just ‘cause everyone is supposed to feel sorry for you. Keep your flue to yourself and be nice to other people. Respect them.

3. Don’t be afraid of fresh air
Not saying you should go run a marathon but to take a 10-20 minutes walk once or twice a day.. I think it’ll do your good :) Just be sure you are well dressed so you won’t overheat or get too cold.
Also, open your bedroom window during the day so that you’ll get some fresh air in there.

4. Avoid junkfood and unhealthy substances
Smoking is a big no-no. And mind what you fuel your body with. Don’t stuff it with chips, candy, soda, pizza, cheese, sugar, fat.. Eat fruits, vegetables, fibers. Drink much water

5. Antioxidants and detoxes!
I drink a lot of hot water with ginger, lemon, honey and chamomile tea. One thing you could eat that’s reaaally tasty is vanilla ice-cream and use fresh/heat up some frozen blueberries/raspberries/acai berries/pomegranate/goji berries/rosehip/black currant/apples and eat it.

6. Relax and think happy thoughts
Good, light, happy energy is healing. Watch a funny movie that makes you laugh, listen to calming happy music, dress comfortable but nice (I feel better when I don’t look like something the cat threw up and to feel good = creating good energy = healing), take care of yourself (nice long shower? shave your legs?) but be careful not to use up too much energy. Let there be energy for you to heal as well. Let your mind and body rest from difficult things.

7. Don’t be stressed out
Sometimes we REALLY didn’t need to catch a cold at that very moment ‘cause we had so much in school or at work to do.. but if you’re sick, you’re sick. Accept it and believe that everything will be alright. Focus on getting well instead of letting heavy energy burden you.

"Be strong. Don’t fall to temptation. To defeat the darkness out there, you must defeat the..."

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 00:36:06 +0200

“Be strong. Don’t fall to temptation. To defeat the darkness out there, you must defeat the darkness inside yourself”

- The Chronicles of Narnia - The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

I went to see Emerald today again. And it felt better this time....

Tue, 06 Sep 2011 20:35:18 +0200

I went to see Emerald today again. And it felt better this time. I wasn’t as scared. Not of her at least :) Today we used her little hat, a rope halter and a long heavy rope that I used to lead her in. I also had a whip with me but not to whip her with, I didn’t even touch her with it. I had it so that I could get longer arms and direct her behinds without having to leave my position. Very useful if I want to move her but not me. Everything went fine and I feel safer with her, and I think she feels a little bit safer with me too. She listens to me very carefully and she’s very gentle and wise. I really like her :)

inner self

Tue, 06 Sep 2011 13:38:00 +0200

I wrote about finding my heart and myself a couple of days ago and now I’ve had some visits in anxiety-land again and things got a bit messy in my head. I’ve spent much time in nature and church and I’ll continue with it ‘cause it makes me feel better.

Anyway today I got some guidance from God, or whatever. And I deepened within myself, I found that shining golden core within where my heart is, where I am, the very being of me. I have felt it before, months ago, and today I got some guidelines how to always be in contact with that inner self. Thought I’d share it.

“There has to be a cloud on your sky in orde for you to have shadow in your life. The clouds vary in size and intensity. Sometimes a cloud carry rain and you cry. Sometimes that cloud is just a simple worry and it floats away as your wind (spirit) let go of it.

To let go.. is to see the cloud, feel it’s shadow, then let it move on.
To let go is not to ignore. That won’t make the cloud go away any time soon. That’ll only make you get used to living in shadow.

Just as you can be certain that your sky will be clouded from time to time, you can also be certain the sun will shine again. Behind those clouds, there is always a sun. Clouds are only temporary. The sun isn’t. It’s always there, though you might not always see it.”

There’s more but I’ve got to go now.. :)